Sparklers and Other Things I Worry About

It's time to #laugh a little, maybe a lot, and I've got just the thing to stimulate strong guffaws. Here is a SHORT list of some things that #scare me. Maybe they #scare you too! 1. Sparklers--Last night we were outside with the dogs and all of a sudden I heard a boom and saw smoke. I was so confused by what happened that my mouth became instantly dry of saliva and my vocal chords were paralyzed. Finally I saw where the smoke was coming from: Our next-door #neighbors were setting off the remainder of their July 4th firecracker toys. My #husband kept insisting that all the sparks flying out in a million different directions were harmless, but I was worried that one spark might touch a dry spot on our house and ignite, causing a fire. So I said in a loud voice: JULY 4TH IS OVER. Then my husband in a loud whisper reprimanded me. "I don't want to fight with our neighbors," he said, wagging his finger at me. But as abruptly as the fireworks display began, it ended. 2. The other night a windstorm blew through town and I worried that my dogs might get valley fever, a #chronic lung disease. I hurried to get them into the house ASAP, but you never know since it only takes one spore.... 3. My memory is not as good as it once was. I never had a photographic #memory like some lucky folks, but it used to be pretty darn good. Now my most recent events sometimes blur. Like I might not remember where I went for dinner two nights ago, what movie I watched on #Netflix and other similar stuff. None of it is life-threatening but it's extremely annoying and makes me worry about my potential for #dementia. 4. Films--I hate watching films that don't have a #logical resolution. It leaves me wrestling with a lot of conundrums. Last night on Netflix my hubby and I watched a movie called "The Birthday Song" and at first it had all the makings of an exciting, who-done-it-style murder. It was about a 40-year old guy whose wife gives him a party for a #birthday gift. But she has to nurse "Granny "so she is absent while the Birthday Boy romances a guest. Somehow during the #lovemaking, he accidentally kills her. Now you figure the storyline is really ramping up, right? But wait! From here on out, you can't tell whether he's dreaming the unfolding events or they're happening in real time. By the end of the movie, my hubby and I were so confused we needed to go to the Movie #Helpline(which doesn't exist but don't you wish it did). The next best choice of help lines was Google, but either #Google was as confused as we were or it didn't want to share. I hate people or #inanimate search engines that do that. I may switch to #Bing if they don't watch out! 5. When I used to frequent bars as a way to meet guys, the music usually was so loud that I couldn't hear the conversation. Sometimes I would just shake my head--either up and down or from side to side--and hope the answer made sense. I worried a lot that I was saying yes to the wrong things and vice versa. Guy: Would you like to take a ride with me after which I'll murder you? Me: Head nodding up and down with a smile plastered across my lower face. 6. I really can't dance to save my life. I was too busy studying to pay attention to Dick Clark and his American Bandstand days and somehow I guess I faked the trendy stuff. I was so inept that I didn't even bother to learn the names of the dances. Why should I? I did the same steps to all the fast music and sipped alcoholic beverages during the slow ones. And, let's face it, girls, guys are even worse than we are. Actually the only guys I know who can dance are Fred Astaire, John Travolta, and Patrick Swayze. 7. I #hate it when people say "it'll just be a minute" and then they disappear for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. Food servers commit this crime, but then so do best friends, doctors and dentists, and even my husband. I've seen him disappear into our bedroom (purportedly to wash his hands and change his socks and shoes) and all of a sudden, it's like he's been kidnapped by an alien or disappeared into the #Bermuda Triangle. He disappears into the stratosphere and I'm left wondering if I should call 9-1-1 or just chill out and order pizza. 8. I worry about hair dyes. My husband uses some brown stuff, and I used to go dark until I read somewhere you had a higher chance of getting #cancer if you used dark brown/black hair dye. So now I'm "auburn," at least that's what Clairol calls it. I call it risking life and limb for the sake of vanity. 9. I sometimes worry that I've missed the one thing in life that would help me make sense of it all.. Usually I figure that this ONE KEY TO LIFE is in a book that I have yet to read. And I'm not sure which category the book might fall under. Psychology seems too obvious, and religion or #philosophy is usually so contradictory that my brain gets twisted into a question mark every time I peruse these tomes.  And what if the ONE KEY TO LIFE is in something prosaic, such as cooking, yoga or how to build airplane models. I probably would never find it because I'd be busy looking in dusty esoteric corners instead of in a mundane device like cuisinart or espresso maker. 10. Like so many people, I cringe at the thought of my computer crashing and losing everything on my hard disc. No, I don't have everything backed up the way I should. You'd think a #worry wart like myself would be a backup addict. But backup is a mite technical, so my concern over possibly erasing everything on my hard disk during backup outweighs my fear of losing data the old-fashioned way--in a power shortage or via a virus. What do you worry about? Maybe nothing, maybe everything. Remember what The Sundance Kid (Robert Redford} said to Butch Cassidy (Paul Newman)before their daring leap into a river? "Don't worry about drowning, Butch; the fall will probably kill you!"