For those of you with an OCS sibling, cousin, or other relative or friend, I've gathered together a few techniques that may help you. Keep in mind that like any disease or negative characteristic, the earlier you find it, the better you are able to cope with it. And depending on the personality or temperament of your OCS child or adult, some techniques may not work as well as others.
Here are the 10 most effective methods of dealing with an OCS child or adult:
1. Do not allow this person to hog the conversation to the point where you're saying virtually nothing. OCS people love to talk about themselves and the sooner you communicate that you have limits (psychologists call them boundaries), the better you are. I remember that I took "politeness" to a ridiculous new high when I listened for a good 15 minutes to my sister's explanation of the card game bridge. I told her I wasn't interested in learning this game, but she tuned out and monologued. Also, be prepared to get "repeats." Some OCS people forget that they told you a specific story once before and they will repeat it unless you tell them. Just say, "Heard it before." They'll get the message.
2. Avoid making comparisons between you and the OCS. You'll come out on the losing end. I once listened to my sib discourse on all the marriage proposals she had or could have anticipated. Naturally I came up short. A mild depression resulted.
3. Don't make ridiculous concessions just because the OCS is a child. For example, don't excuse rude behavior such as someone interrupting you. Even kids need to learn the etiquette of conversations.
4. Don't get hooked into the "my problem is worse than your problem" game. This can easily sneak into conversations because who doesn't have a problem? If you play this game, be prepared for boredom as well as anger. Undoubtedly the OCS has a shopping list of "awful" things that happened to her. Of course she handled them well--she never asks for help since that, according to the OCS, is the mark of a victim. If you can't end this game with a polite "I'd rather not discuss downers," then make an excuse to absent yourself. Go to the bathroom, say you have to let the dog out, make up anything but don't sit there like a fence post!
5. Do not confide in your adult OCS. They'll use it against you if you should have a quarrel or misunderstanding. I made the error of admitting to my sister that I see a psychiatrist who adjusts my meds cocktail from time to time. Then once when she thought my behavior was "crazy," she said, "why don't you just go to your psychiatrist?" It was not said in a loving way but to cut me down to size. She succeeded---but only temporarily.
6. OCS people don't admit blame--they are like Trump in this respect. So don't force the issue. I made that mistake, and it backfired. My sib never took responsibility for my mom's decline after moving her to another nursing home. But I refused to believe she couldn't say the words "I'm sorry." She can't, so don't expect this. If you get an "I'm sorry," it's probably insincere anyway.
7. OCS people tend to cluster, and this is good. When they compete with each other, no one wins, but then again no one gets hurt. So don't try to salvage an OCS relationship--this person is really doing you a favor when he ditches you.
8. Yes, OCS tends to run in families, but that's an environmental thing--not a genetic one. A parent with OCS can spawn an OCS child. Kids role play parental behaviors, and if their temperaments are similar, they can develop into baby OCSs. These are the toddlers who expect their parents to pick up their toys or supply them with ice cream nonstop. If this happens, recognize the kid is testing the waters.
9. Don't feel sorry for yourself. In almost every family, there is an OCS. And if there isn't one in your family, you'll find one at a club, fraternal organization, alumni party, etc. Become good at recognizing the OCS person and you'll never let that him/her get the better of you.
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10. If the OCS is a relative, even a close relative (like my sib), don't stay in the relationship if it's costing you too much in pain and suffering. It doesn't mean you're a failure if you decide to say goodby to an errant sib. It just means you have the smarts to realize you can't win if you play by their rules.
Hope these tips help you out. I wish I'd had them about 25 years ago.
Here are the 10 most effective methods of dealing with an OCS child or adult:
1. Do not allow this person to hog the conversation to the point where you're saying virtually nothing. OCS people love to talk about themselves and the sooner you communicate that you have limits (psychologists call them boundaries), the better you are. I remember that I took "politeness" to a ridiculous new high when I listened for a good 15 minutes to my sister's explanation of the card game bridge. I told her I wasn't interested in learning this game, but she tuned out and monologued. Also, be prepared to get "repeats." Some OCS people forget that they told you a specific story once before and they will repeat it unless you tell them. Just say, "Heard it before." They'll get the message.
2. Avoid making comparisons between you and the OCS. You'll come out on the losing end. I once listened to my sib discourse on all the marriage proposals she had or could have anticipated. Naturally I came up short. A mild depression resulted.
3. Don't make ridiculous concessions just because the OCS is a child. For example, don't excuse rude behavior such as someone interrupting you. Even kids need to learn the etiquette of conversations.
4. Don't get hooked into the "my problem is worse than your problem" game. This can easily sneak into conversations because who doesn't have a problem? If you play this game, be prepared for boredom as well as anger. Undoubtedly the OCS has a shopping list of "awful" things that happened to her. Of course she handled them well--she never asks for help since that, according to the OCS, is the mark of a victim. If you can't end this game with a polite "I'd rather not discuss downers," then make an excuse to absent yourself. Go to the bathroom, say you have to let the dog out, make up anything but don't sit there like a fence post!
5. Do not confide in your adult OCS. They'll use it against you if you should have a quarrel or misunderstanding. I made the error of admitting to my sister that I see a psychiatrist who adjusts my meds cocktail from time to time. Then once when she thought my behavior was "crazy," she said, "why don't you just go to your psychiatrist?" It was not said in a loving way but to cut me down to size. She succeeded---but only temporarily.
6. OCS people don't admit blame--they are like Trump in this respect. So don't force the issue. I made that mistake, and it backfired. My sib never took responsibility for my mom's decline after moving her to another nursing home. But I refused to believe she couldn't say the words "I'm sorry." She can't, so don't expect this. If you get an "I'm sorry," it's probably insincere anyway.
7. OCS people tend to cluster, and this is good. When they compete with each other, no one wins, but then again no one gets hurt. So don't try to salvage an OCS relationship--this person is really doing you a favor when he ditches you.
8. Yes, OCS tends to run in families, but that's an environmental thing--not a genetic one. A parent with OCS can spawn an OCS child. Kids role play parental behaviors, and if their temperaments are similar, they can develop into baby OCSs. These are the toddlers who expect their parents to pick up their toys or supply them with ice cream nonstop. If this happens, recognize the kid is testing the waters.
9. Don't feel sorry for yourself. In almost every family, there is an OCS. And if there isn't one in your family, you'll find one at a club, fraternal organization, alumni party, etc. Become good at recognizing the OCS person and you'll never let that him/her get the better of you.
.
10. If the OCS is a relative, even a close relative (like my sib), don't stay in the relationship if it's costing you too much in pain and suffering. It doesn't mean you're a failure if you decide to say goodby to an errant sib. It just means you have the smarts to realize you can't win if you play by their rules.
Hope these tips help you out. I wish I'd had them about 25 years ago.
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