Are You Successful? Take this Test and Find Out

I grew up never believing I was as good or as #successful as the next guy, and it's a common problem or so my shrinks seem to think (some of these good doctors have earned six-figure salaries on just this one patient complaint alone).

 But after all these years of #consigning myself to the role of second-class citizen, I've figured out that success is just one of those meaningless words--like #beautiful or wonderful--that can be tweaked any way you want it. In other words, success is what you make of it. 

Take our #President for example. Here's a man who practically reeks of success by anyone's definition. He's built hotels, put together company #buyouts/mergers, fathered children, married, and earned the title of Most Important Person in the Land (perhaps the Globe).

On the other hand, we could, if we wanted, tweak the word success into its opposite: failure. Trump has been divorced several times, declared #bankruptcy, been sued by countless litigants, did not win the popular vote in the 2016 General Election, and is now being investigated for possible foreign collusion during that election. However, Pres. Trump always speaks in positive superlatives--about everything, himself included. We hear in his speeches and #tweets words like "fantastic," "great," "splendid" and so on. So if the President can blindside his failures and declare himself successful, we can too. After all, we're just being good little citizens and patterning ourselves after our country's leader. 

To help ease you onto the path of Trump-like success, I've assembled a questionnaire that if answered honestly and with an eye toward emulating #Trump's healthy self-image, guarantees you will feel more successful than you did before:

 1. Have you ever wanted something so badly that you did everything in your power to try and get it? (Pay attention here--we're not talking about actually achieving your goal, just pursuing it.)\ A "yes" here indicates that you have the focus and energy of a five-star success, and if you persevere, you will continue to pursue new goals with the same gusto as when you wolfed down those 26 hot dogs at last year's Biggest Eater contest. 

2. Have you ever tried on an article of clothing and found that it didn't fit but you bought it anyway because you knew that if you lost 20 pounds you'd look just great in it? A "yes" here indicates that you have the foresight of an #adventurer and risk taker who is not afraid to invest in his future even if it means standing up to clothing manufacturers who have screwed up the whole size-you-are thing and now offer ridiculous sizes like zero, two, and four. Who are these people who actually wear these teeny #garments? They must be weight-loss enablers who hate our country and want to see it brought down by #anorexics and #bulimics. 

3. Have you ever dropped your cell phone and then told your carrier that it was robbed from you at a mall by a guy wearing a hoodie and little else? A "yes" here indicates that you have the imagination and creativity of a winner and positive thinker who employs ingenuity and a straight face to get what he/she deserves. 

4. Have you ever made a date with someone for Saturday night but then someone else called you with a better offer and you cancelled the previous date without so much as an apology? A "yes" indicates that you have attained a popularity that is probably the envy of all your peers and you need to recognize this as one of the stepping stones to great success. To hell with the first dater--he/she wasprobably going to take you to Chick-fil-A anyway. 

5. Have you ever gotten drunk and vomited in the bathroom of someone you admire just as that very person barged in the toilet and hollered at you? A "yes" indicates that despite all obstacles, you persevere in networking with everyone, even those with questionable manners regarding party and office etiquette.

 6. Have you ever cheated on an #SAT exam by paying someone to take it for you and then refused to give them their full fee because they only got 500 on the verbal part? A "yes" indicates that delegating responsibilities is one of your most admirable qualities and will serve you well in the coming years, but you need to limit your generosity to those who truly deserve it.

7. Have you ever gone out to lunch with a group of people and then had the waitress explain to you that one of your friends paid for your pita supreme while you were outside making a phone call? A "yes" indicates that your timing is exceptional and will continue to alert you to new and better opportunities and that multi-tasking can bring untold benefits.

 8. Have you ever married someone you thought was attractive and intelligent but within a few years discovered he/she had lied to you about his/her college #GPA and probably would not become a Nobel Prize winning author? A "yes" indicates that you (a) successfully used your powers of observation to uncover your spouse's limited intellectual prowess; and (b) negotiated a compromise that promises you untold bragging rights for your #husband's new position as #weinermobile driver.

 9. Have you ever driven a car 100 mph or faster and then wondered if you might have run over a dog or some person crossing the street? A "yes" indicates that you have the moral values necessary to succeed in the competitive world of politics and (lucky you!) the kind of sports car that can go from 10 mph to 120 mph in three seconds. 

10. Have you ever killed a stranger because you didn't like his opinions, he dressed funny, or he reminded you of your Uncle Paulie, who used to tickle children until they cried? A "yes" indicates that you have the courage of your #convictions and you try to live in the present and expunge all reminders of the past. 

How many questions did you answer yes or no to? That many?! This indicates
 that your definition of success is delightfully fluid and will be useful to you as you climb your way to the top of whatever dung heap or reality show you aspire to.