To refresh your mind, the last time we saw my sib (the OCS I've profiled here), everyone was celebrating my niece's wedding. I'm staying at my mom's condo, so I hang out with her new friends, a couple about her age who recently moved into her residential community. As we talk, I gather a few more clues about my mom's physical and mental condition. She is now having problems telling time, and she calls up her new friends many times a day. The news isn't good. I fear the worst.
Over the next few months Mom has to recuperate from a heart attack, and my sib and I agree that an assisted living facility should be the next move. Up to now the sib and I are more or less on the same page. Soon this change. When finances rear their ugly heads, I learn that somehow my sister has prevailed on my mother to sign over all her monies and house to my sister. All documents are now in my sib's name. The condo will be up for sale, and my sister has deposited my mom's inheritance into the coffers of a financial consultant she has used before. So far I'm not pointing any fingers at the OCS, but when I'm definitely distressed that all the investments are in her name and she is the only one with access to them,
The real deal breaker is that she will not allow me to receive quarterly report. She says, "Don't you trust me?" I don't now, especially after that loaded question. I officially push the panic button. The OCS has also appropriated much of the furniture in the condo as well as mom's car, which she paid a service to deliver to my niece in California. I am shocked at the least at this move (why not sell the car in NJ and give the niece the money from the sale?), but I should have expected this chess move. The OCS has now divested my mother of all monetary possessions, but she still has to abide by my father's will. Her OCS cannot supersede the legalities of death.
I conduct a walk-through of the condo and pick and choose mainly some sentimental artifacts. I know if I don't claim these items now, my sibling will run with them. I pack the needlepoint framed pictures and some personal effects, mostly photos, and pay a shipping service to mail them to Arizona.
My mother deteriorates in the assisted living facility. She roams the halls at night, cannot read anymore, sometimes forgets to line up for her meds, and in general requires more care than the facility can and will provide. When she visits my sister, she begins to babble, say prayers, curse and show some aggressive behaviors. My sister cannot deal with this--she displays a double feature of fear and anger. So with my sister's blessing, I decide to have my mom fly home to Arizona where I can install her at a nice nursing home and visit her frequently. If she stays at my sister's choice of nursing home, I'll never know for sure what's going on. My sib does not object to my recommendation. Why should she? She's holding the purse strings, which is her main focus.
I try to get my mom to understand the revised plan, but I know it's not sinking in. At the airport she gets aggressive again and I try to talk to her as I would a child, but since I don't have kids, my skills are rusty. I end up forcefully directing her into her airline seat and belting her in. Meanwhile some passengers are watching my actions and nervous babble, and I sense they don't understand that she has dementia. So they report my behavior to the flight attendants, and pretty soon both of us are escorted off the plane and into the waiting arms of two police men or security persons (I'm too upset and discombobulated to note the differences). Mom is fine all of a sudden, she's not angry or unhappy, but I'm crying. The "police" ask mom several questions and figure out pretty quickly that this is not domestic abuse but a daughter trying to help her mom.
We call my brother-in-law and he arrives and transports us to his home. I don't yet realize that my ineptness in succeeding to get Mom onto the plane has and will trigger seismic effects in all our lives. I start blaming myself per usual, but I don't yet know the extent of the damage this error will cause.The longterm result is that in an effort to ensure a decent quality of life for mom, her OCS daughter and I will clash due to divergent goals, a fierce power struggle and financial finagling.
Next chapter: The OCS and I do battle with lawyers, financial consultants and nursing home administrators.
Over the next few months Mom has to recuperate from a heart attack, and my sib and I agree that an assisted living facility should be the next move. Up to now the sib and I are more or less on the same page. Soon this change. When finances rear their ugly heads, I learn that somehow my sister has prevailed on my mother to sign over all her monies and house to my sister. All documents are now in my sib's name. The condo will be up for sale, and my sister has deposited my mom's inheritance into the coffers of a financial consultant she has used before. So far I'm not pointing any fingers at the OCS, but when I'm definitely distressed that all the investments are in her name and she is the only one with access to them,
The real deal breaker is that she will not allow me to receive quarterly report. She says, "Don't you trust me?" I don't now, especially after that loaded question. I officially push the panic button. The OCS has also appropriated much of the furniture in the condo as well as mom's car, which she paid a service to deliver to my niece in California. I am shocked at the least at this move (why not sell the car in NJ and give the niece the money from the sale?), but I should have expected this chess move. The OCS has now divested my mother of all monetary possessions, but she still has to abide by my father's will. Her OCS cannot supersede the legalities of death.
I conduct a walk-through of the condo and pick and choose mainly some sentimental artifacts. I know if I don't claim these items now, my sibling will run with them. I pack the needlepoint framed pictures and some personal effects, mostly photos, and pay a shipping service to mail them to Arizona.
My mother deteriorates in the assisted living facility. She roams the halls at night, cannot read anymore, sometimes forgets to line up for her meds, and in general requires more care than the facility can and will provide. When she visits my sister, she begins to babble, say prayers, curse and show some aggressive behaviors. My sister cannot deal with this--she displays a double feature of fear and anger. So with my sister's blessing, I decide to have my mom fly home to Arizona where I can install her at a nice nursing home and visit her frequently. If she stays at my sister's choice of nursing home, I'll never know for sure what's going on. My sib does not object to my recommendation. Why should she? She's holding the purse strings, which is her main focus.
I try to get my mom to understand the revised plan, but I know it's not sinking in. At the airport she gets aggressive again and I try to talk to her as I would a child, but since I don't have kids, my skills are rusty. I end up forcefully directing her into her airline seat and belting her in. Meanwhile some passengers are watching my actions and nervous babble, and I sense they don't understand that she has dementia. So they report my behavior to the flight attendants, and pretty soon both of us are escorted off the plane and into the waiting arms of two police men or security persons (I'm too upset and discombobulated to note the differences). Mom is fine all of a sudden, she's not angry or unhappy, but I'm crying. The "police" ask mom several questions and figure out pretty quickly that this is not domestic abuse but a daughter trying to help her mom.
We call my brother-in-law and he arrives and transports us to his home. I don't yet realize that my ineptness in succeeding to get Mom onto the plane has and will trigger seismic effects in all our lives. I start blaming myself per usual, but I don't yet know the extent of the damage this error will cause.The longterm result is that in an effort to ensure a decent quality of life for mom, her OCS daughter and I will clash due to divergent goals, a fierce power struggle and financial finagling.
Next chapter: The OCS and I do battle with lawyers, financial consultants and nursing home administrators.
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