Parents, babysitters, nannies and even child haters, gather round. Don't dissolve into a puddle if you should discover you have an OCS child. Look on it as an opportunity to diversify your parenting skills.
First, assume that your OCS child wants to attain power since that's their main goal. Accept this goal as legitimate. Some degree of power is healthy and normal as long as the other children and parents in the family do not feel compromised. Take my family situation, for example. The OCS sib was four years older and made good use of this advantage--for example she used her musical talent as a power-seeking missile to plunk out pop tunes on the piano by ear and earn respect and popularity. On the other hand her sib--me in this case--could not compete with this musical prowess. The closest I came to it was singing, and since this calmed me and I could carry a tune, I would wake early in the morning and hurry over to my rocking chair where I'd sing and hum as only a three-year-old can. Although this skill was praiseworthy, the OCS sib quickly picked up on the parent's positive reaction and added singing to her piano accompaniment. Her competitive nature reacted similarly when we both tried our luck with ballroom dancing, croquet and tennis/badminton.
What should my parents have done to neutralize my OCS sib? A lot of things, but one in particular: They should have eliminated harmful competition in the home. Cooperative activities should have become the force driving relationships even theirs. Instead of treating the OCS as though she was a Van Cliburn in training, the parents should have opted for a more realistic attitude. Instead of fantasizing about their eldest child becoming a concert pianist--despite evidence to the contrary (the OCS did not enjoy practicing scales and classical pieces)--they should have displayed her awards, clapped politely after impromptu performances and encouragee the OCS sib to teach her sister a few basic tunes on the piano. That pattern of cooperation vs. competition would have helped to neutralize things.
This one parenting strategy applied in other areas as well could effectively put a stop to unwanted OCS behaviors.
For instance, my OCS sib went to Hebrew school and due to her scholarship and singing abilities was able to snag a solo when she had her Bat Mitzvah. The ceremony took place in a beautiful temple with architectural embellishments that made the congregants feel inspired and even more spiritual. The ceremony was followed by a catered reception at a private hall. No expense was spared. Although I got to wear a beautiful new dress, I was not attending Hebrew school due to certain logistics and my own fears of not living up to the high standard my OCS sib had set. Thus another lavish reception in my honor was not anticipated and this fueled my depressive temperament. Later on when other emotional problems surfaced, my parents tried to backpedal by researching private schools and religious training, but the damage had already been done.
What should they have done? Well, I'm no psychologist, but following the competitive vs. cooperative theory and knowing my own emotional hangups, the parent should have asked the OCS sib to help involve her younger sib by rehearsing her solo and explaining its meaning. This might have accomplished two things: I might have felt more important and participated vicariously during the OCS sib's temple performance, and I might have become less afraid of learning the Hebrew language and its traditions . I might then have elected to get religious training. Of course this presupposes that my parents would have been able to persuade my sister to take me under her metaphorical wing and act more as a teacher than a competitor, (Ironically my sister trained to become a French teacher in college and held this position in a NJ high school until she retired after 20 years.) Her teaching abilities were there. All the parents had to do was to coax them out.
Repeating this cooperative approach in the family should help sibs respect and like each other more and even more importantly, limit the psychological damage. Because my parents did not neutralize the OCS sib, I grew up trying to compete with a sib who was always four years older (and smarter) and predisposed to have a more resilient personality.
Next time: The Case of the Monster OCS
First, assume that your OCS child wants to attain power since that's their main goal. Accept this goal as legitimate. Some degree of power is healthy and normal as long as the other children and parents in the family do not feel compromised. Take my family situation, for example. The OCS sib was four years older and made good use of this advantage--for example she used her musical talent as a power-seeking missile to plunk out pop tunes on the piano by ear and earn respect and popularity. On the other hand her sib--me in this case--could not compete with this musical prowess. The closest I came to it was singing, and since this calmed me and I could carry a tune, I would wake early in the morning and hurry over to my rocking chair where I'd sing and hum as only a three-year-old can. Although this skill was praiseworthy, the OCS sib quickly picked up on the parent's positive reaction and added singing to her piano accompaniment. Her competitive nature reacted similarly when we both tried our luck with ballroom dancing, croquet and tennis/badminton.
What should my parents have done to neutralize my OCS sib? A lot of things, but one in particular: They should have eliminated harmful competition in the home. Cooperative activities should have become the force driving relationships even theirs. Instead of treating the OCS as though she was a Van Cliburn in training, the parents should have opted for a more realistic attitude. Instead of fantasizing about their eldest child becoming a concert pianist--despite evidence to the contrary (the OCS did not enjoy practicing scales and classical pieces)--they should have displayed her awards, clapped politely after impromptu performances and encouragee the OCS sib to teach her sister a few basic tunes on the piano. That pattern of cooperation vs. competition would have helped to neutralize things.
This one parenting strategy applied in other areas as well could effectively put a stop to unwanted OCS behaviors.
For instance, my OCS sib went to Hebrew school and due to her scholarship and singing abilities was able to snag a solo when she had her Bat Mitzvah. The ceremony took place in a beautiful temple with architectural embellishments that made the congregants feel inspired and even more spiritual. The ceremony was followed by a catered reception at a private hall. No expense was spared. Although I got to wear a beautiful new dress, I was not attending Hebrew school due to certain logistics and my own fears of not living up to the high standard my OCS sib had set. Thus another lavish reception in my honor was not anticipated and this fueled my depressive temperament. Later on when other emotional problems surfaced, my parents tried to backpedal by researching private schools and religious training, but the damage had already been done.
What should they have done? Well, I'm no psychologist, but following the competitive vs. cooperative theory and knowing my own emotional hangups, the parent should have asked the OCS sib to help involve her younger sib by rehearsing her solo and explaining its meaning. This might have accomplished two things: I might have felt more important and participated vicariously during the OCS sib's temple performance, and I might have become less afraid of learning the Hebrew language and its traditions . I might then have elected to get religious training. Of course this presupposes that my parents would have been able to persuade my sister to take me under her metaphorical wing and act more as a teacher than a competitor, (Ironically my sister trained to become a French teacher in college and held this position in a NJ high school until she retired after 20 years.) Her teaching abilities were there. All the parents had to do was to coax them out.
Repeating this cooperative approach in the family should help sibs respect and like each other more and even more importantly, limit the psychological damage. Because my parents did not neutralize the OCS sib, I grew up trying to compete with a sib who was always four years older (and smarter) and predisposed to have a more resilient personality.
Next time: The Case of the Monster OCS
Comments