A Psychological Take on Mr. Trump

Full disclosure: I didn't vote for President Trump in 2016. I saw him then for what he is now. A bully, a tyrant, a misogynist, a racist, and a liar. But that really doesn't cover it all. Before I dissect his brain, psychologically speaking, consider a few questions: 1. Why does Melania seem so sad? 2. Why does his youngest child never talk? Is he autistic or ADD? 3. Why does Trump think he's so great? Is he not the biggest egotist you've ever seen? 4. Why are there so many people who believe everything he says? 5. Why isn't Trump trustworthy? If you had trouble answering all or any of these questions, don't feel bad. You're in the majority. At least 50 percent of the population doesn't know who Melania is, and 90 percent think that little boy standing next to her is a fake child or windup doll. As to whether he's autistic or has ADD, no one seems to know. He hasn't said a word since Trump threw a verbal bomb at the kid five years ago. He's traumatized, probably a case of PTSD. As to the question why does Trump think he's so great, it's because he has poor judgment. He's been so busy calling out the media on fake news that he doesn't know what's real or fake any more. He's like brainwashed, only he did it to himself. Millions of people do believe everything he says, and that's a bit of a problem because every time he opens his mouth, he either lies, misrepresents things, or accuses someone of lying to him. For that reason and all of the above ones, Trump is not trustworthy unless you want to put him in charge of a small, affluent country like Monaco. I think he'd do well there what with the casinos, the celebs, and the narrow, winding roads. He'd like the dressing up and boating opportunities. Plus accidents do happen. There's a good chance his chauffeur would miss a curve and wind up in the Mediterranean, and that would be a shame, but like they say, s**t happens. Grace Kelly took a bad turn a few years back, but she was a princess. Like Princess Di, who drew millions of in-person and TV viewers to her funeral. King Trump might not draw any mourners at all since Monaco is known more as a vacation or wedding destination than a funeral one. That brings us to the psychological analysis. Well, after a battery of tests, including a modified Rorschach and the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, Trump revealed his psyche in layers (like an onion) to some 48 experts in the fields of biology, genetics, wine making, and religion. In a rare instance of total consensus, the experts agreed that Trump looked better when he was thinner and had more hair. They also felt that his ego was larger than his brain and would eventually grow to such extreme proportions that he would not be able to get through the door of the White House. This malady might occur soon, perhaps as early as 2018 following the Muller investigation. That investigation would conclude that although there was no obstruction of justice, Congress should vote to impeach Trump anyway. Then whenever he did anything reprehensible, like appoint Joe Arpaio as Attorney General, all the members of Congress could fall back on the old standby of "I told you so. We should have shown him the door when we had the chance." Getting back to the experts and their amazing consensus, two Nobel Prize winners and the head of the nonprofit Crazy as a Fox concluded that Trump sometimes has delusions stemming from all those fast-food dinners he consumes. He often thinks he's the mental equivalent of Barak Obama and the physical equivalent of Putin. He also has a few minor cognitive handicaps such as all or nothing thinking. Once he was engaging in sexual philandering when the call girl he had hired refused to bark like a dog when he scratched her head. After that blunder, Trump had no use for her at all and sent her to the military prison in Guantanamo for an extended vacation with terrorists. I hope he doesn't apply that kind of thinking to that North Korean ruler with the nuclear arsenal. To put it simply, experts accused Trump of practicing the three Cs: corpulence, cohabitation with fur-bearing creatures, and cognitive decompensation. It all adds up to a President without a conscience who is willing to sacrifice everything for the good of Miro Lago. Oh, and he's too impetuous, said the experts. He always has to eat his dessert first. In summation, the experts recommended a life sentence for Trump in Monaco, but if that doesn't work out, Isis could always make use of another swordsmith. J. Arenofsky, bearer of over 20 college credits in psychology, not counting the time spent in group and one-on-one therapy.