There's a growing trend to make funerals livelier, "celebrations of life." That's okay for the most part unless the person whose life is being honored has been in jail, abused pets, or killed a lot of harmless creatures like geckos, ants, spiders, and flies. You know who these people are. They usually giggle a lot, especially when they hear about a new antidefoliant like Agent Orange (not so old, but way bad1)They look like butter wouldn't melt in their mouth, but underneath that hard exterior is a confusing tangle of nefarious motivations.
But back to the fun at funerals goal. I'm going to a funeral today and I hardly know the deceased. His significant partner is someone I casually know from a club that I quit because most of the members were a-holes. So I have mixed feelings about attending a service for an unknown person when the other attendees are people who cheered when I finally quit the club or made it possible for me to quit without giving a hoot. Hope you got that because there's no way I'm gonna repeat it.
Life is complicated, which is why death needs to be simple and fun. What I propose is a little Rod Serling-ish and sci-fi. But so what! I can hope, and all the great philosophers in the world recognize hope as an eternal truth even if you're bigtime ugly and wear pinafores. Here is my hope: In the near technological future, deceased people should be instantly zapped into tasty cookies that mourners can all partake of. Something like chocolate chip, peanut butter, or oatmeal are my suggestions. That would kick off the funeral with a good taste in your mouth for the deceased even if you didn't know him or her from Adam (that's a crazy idiom, and one I wouldn't vote for!). The cookies could be served at an outside picnic area, say a park or someone's backyard. I don't know about you but if I eat a cookie outside and wash it down possibly with some lemonade, iced tea, or some such beverage, I'm gonna be in a decent mood. I wouldn't go so far as to say my mood is happy, but it's far from miserable.
If people are busy crunching on cookies, they won't give in to negative expressions of grief, like crying, rushing the coffin and throwing themselves on it, or any of those borderline-nutty behaviors I've observed or heard about through the media. Now, if you accompany that tray of cookies with a photo album or video show of the deceased and what he did for his family, community, or Koko, his pet Mastiff, then you're entering the Land of Enchantment. If Disney were to name it, it would be called Eternaland, a happy place where people go because no one has room for them any more on Planet Earth.
To add to the fun in Eternaland, families with more discretionary incomes could hire bands, invite a whole lot of kindergarten classes (so the cookies will go faster since adults are generally on diets and may turn down the cookies, which would be bad for the deceased since there might be a lot of leftover cookies/body parts ). The idea is to consume all the cookies so the whole person of the deceased can enter Eternaland and not just his head and limbs. I don't want to say anymore about this aspect because it can get disgusting and conjure up images of blood and gore, even scrambled brains.
Party on mourners! That would definitely be the slogan I would use. Once the cookies were gone, we could all join hands and say a few prayers or tell a few dumb stories about the deceased.There's always a few dumb stories to tell even for the so-called genius deceased who did marvelous things like invent a cure for heat rash or clone a new Beatles foursome. The idea would be to jolly up the proceedings with funny anecdotes that would aim at cheering up the mourners so they would leave the "celebration of life" feeling like the cookies were really laced with grass (marijuana for you oldsters) and they had just downed a bottle of vodka. They would feel that happy, but of course you wouldn't have to really purchase the grass or the booze because it would be a mind thing, so not real.
Today's funeral is not going to be like this. I'm pretty sure it'll be the usual display of dead corpse, weeping spouse/significant other, and religious gobbledygook. Even if you didn't know the deceased or any of the mourners, you'd probably end up feeling sad and miserable, which is why I don't go to many funerals. Pets have almost got it right. What with the cremation and the returned little cedar box, you almost feel like you've won a precious medal or something for maybe cleaning their rear ends for 10+ years, feeding them that stinky wet food, or just crooning your favorite tunes to them whenever the spirit moved you. "How much is that doggie in the window? Woof Woof.
But no one seems to be working on a biotechnological solution for death, so the cookies thing may never come true. But if it does, I want to go to Eternaland as a thoroughly eaten and enjoyed Gingerbread Girl. Just don't laugh too loud!
But back to the fun at funerals goal. I'm going to a funeral today and I hardly know the deceased. His significant partner is someone I casually know from a club that I quit because most of the members were a-holes. So I have mixed feelings about attending a service for an unknown person when the other attendees are people who cheered when I finally quit the club or made it possible for me to quit without giving a hoot. Hope you got that because there's no way I'm gonna repeat it.
Life is complicated, which is why death needs to be simple and fun. What I propose is a little Rod Serling-ish and sci-fi. But so what! I can hope, and all the great philosophers in the world recognize hope as an eternal truth even if you're bigtime ugly and wear pinafores. Here is my hope: In the near technological future, deceased people should be instantly zapped into tasty cookies that mourners can all partake of. Something like chocolate chip, peanut butter, or oatmeal are my suggestions. That would kick off the funeral with a good taste in your mouth for the deceased even if you didn't know him or her from Adam (that's a crazy idiom, and one I wouldn't vote for!). The cookies could be served at an outside picnic area, say a park or someone's backyard. I don't know about you but if I eat a cookie outside and wash it down possibly with some lemonade, iced tea, or some such beverage, I'm gonna be in a decent mood. I wouldn't go so far as to say my mood is happy, but it's far from miserable.
If people are busy crunching on cookies, they won't give in to negative expressions of grief, like crying, rushing the coffin and throwing themselves on it, or any of those borderline-nutty behaviors I've observed or heard about through the media. Now, if you accompany that tray of cookies with a photo album or video show of the deceased and what he did for his family, community, or Koko, his pet Mastiff, then you're entering the Land of Enchantment. If Disney were to name it, it would be called Eternaland, a happy place where people go because no one has room for them any more on Planet Earth.
To add to the fun in Eternaland, families with more discretionary incomes could hire bands, invite a whole lot of kindergarten classes (so the cookies will go faster since adults are generally on diets and may turn down the cookies, which would be bad for the deceased since there might be a lot of leftover cookies/body parts ). The idea is to consume all the cookies so the whole person of the deceased can enter Eternaland and not just his head and limbs. I don't want to say anymore about this aspect because it can get disgusting and conjure up images of blood and gore, even scrambled brains.
Party on mourners! That would definitely be the slogan I would use. Once the cookies were gone, we could all join hands and say a few prayers or tell a few dumb stories about the deceased.There's always a few dumb stories to tell even for the so-called genius deceased who did marvelous things like invent a cure for heat rash or clone a new Beatles foursome. The idea would be to jolly up the proceedings with funny anecdotes that would aim at cheering up the mourners so they would leave the "celebration of life" feeling like the cookies were really laced with grass (marijuana for you oldsters) and they had just downed a bottle of vodka. They would feel that happy, but of course you wouldn't have to really purchase the grass or the booze because it would be a mind thing, so not real.
Today's funeral is not going to be like this. I'm pretty sure it'll be the usual display of dead corpse, weeping spouse/significant other, and religious gobbledygook. Even if you didn't know the deceased or any of the mourners, you'd probably end up feeling sad and miserable, which is why I don't go to many funerals. Pets have almost got it right. What with the cremation and the returned little cedar box, you almost feel like you've won a precious medal or something for maybe cleaning their rear ends for 10+ years, feeding them that stinky wet food, or just crooning your favorite tunes to them whenever the spirit moved you. "How much is that doggie in the window? Woof Woof.
But no one seems to be working on a biotechnological solution for death, so the cookies thing may never come true. But if it does, I want to go to Eternaland as a thoroughly eaten and enjoyed Gingerbread Girl. Just don't laugh too loud!
Comments