Toothaches are a cliche in that they happen frequently and to many people. But they still can inflict pain, right?
If you feel a throbbing pain in your tooth, your body is telling you that something is wrong, says Dr. Stone in Fort Lauderdale, Fla, and it needs to be fixed. After a weekend of just-shoot-me-so-the-pain-will-end, I hauled myself to my #dentist. "What did you do now?" was his first remark. You'd think I had broken off a $1500 crown on some gummy bears (which I do love). But that wasn't the case. I did virtually nothing and yet The #Pain came. Obviously #pain has a life of its own, at least for me. It was probably getting bored taking up space in my ass hole next to my on-again-off-again hemorrhoid and decided it needed more of a challenge. So it got up its courage and made a drastic move into my head, which some people have actually likened to an ass hole (I do not officially recognize these peoples' comments as valid or applicable to my corpus, but there were a few occasions when I chose to do things that made me look like an asshole--for example, the time I played around with a bobby pin by teasing it into the inners of a light switch. I gotta give myself credit for persistence--I didn't stop bobbypinning until actual sparks flew and my father threatened instant bodily harm.
So, back to The #Pain. It had obviously migrated to my head, probably causing the loss of hundreds of valuable neurons (which is why I can't seem to stay on point, much like my hero #Trump). After that, The Pain (no wonder a lot of social media freaks shorten it to PIA, or pain in the ass) wandered into my mouth and looked around for a nifty place to attack. "Hey," said the #pain demon, "see that tooth next to the big hole she got after her dentist extracted a canine for infectious behavior unbefitting to a tooth? Well, that would be a great place for another infection. Send in the #pain clowns and make sure they give it all they've got!"
Well, after my dentist laughed his head off because he had yet another tooth to take out (wow!two in a month must be a near record!), he advised me of a clever way to avoid these painful problems.
Me (with my mouth packed with gauze)That reely, reely hoit.
Dentist: What did you say?
Me: I sed it hoit.
Dentist: Well, we can solve this problem easily. All you need to do is spend about $50,000 on implants and a bridge.
Me: You've got to be kiddddding!
Dentist: No, that's the price we all pay when #pain has us cornered in a no-win fight.
Now I knew why the entire office staff had smiled when I walked in the door. They gave those phoney grins, which were really grimaces that meant "better you than me" They knew what was coming. The #dental assistant even said my swollen face on the left side made me more attractive since it puffed out the
age wrinkles. When I growled at her for that half-assed compliment, she was smart enough to duck behind the water cooler. Anyway I left with an envelope of antibiotics and newfound respect for dentists related to you. You see, my father was a dentist and he swore I had room for my wisdom teeth, but after he died, no one counted his vote. If they had, I'd have a few extra teeth in my mouth that I could use as replacements. One thing my father had was foresight--he claimed I'd never leave this world with an intact set of teeth. Cue the x-rays for forensic identification. #Killer Pain doesn't come by its name idly. Come to think of it I have a hit list longer than my upper bridge.
Comments