Skip to main content

Disgusting Habits I Have




I'm filthy #dirty, but not in the classical sense. I shower regularly, but I've been known to throw out an FU when the spirit moves me. On the other hand, I don't mention my toilet or sexual habits or joke about intimate body parts like a #penis or #vagina. 

I do #ugly things I'm sure average people would turn their noses up at. Some of the behaviors I like to think are involuntary, and others, well, at least part of my limbic brain  
chooses to do. Ready? Here are My 10 Most #Disgusting #Habits:
1.    I never carry handkerchiefs or Kleenex. If I have a cold or a weeping spell, I borrow my husband's handkerchief or hope I'm at a restaurant and can use a napkin or the lower end of the tablecloth. Hey, I’m discreet, though.
2.    But wait, there's more! I'm constipated, which is pretty common among dysfunctional people due to meds and nerves. But sometimes I can get solid rock constipated, which makes for disgustingly difficult defecation. I'm also impatient, which means I don't want to wait until the prune juice or Ex-lax works. I want it NOW! I've been known to cloister myself in the bathroom and use my bare or toilet-papered hands to break through the cement barrier in my tush. That can take upwards of an hour to do since I'm manually challenged when it comes to poking and prodding turds.Get the picture. Now flush it from your mind's eye and let's proceed.
3.    I often take nose picking breaks in which I search for Big #Boogers and then wipe them somewhere no one would dare look. It could be on a couch bottom, a chair or even on a lamp, anything that's handy. Of course the bigger the booger, the bigger the challenge, so sometimes to accommodate my immediate environment, I need to surreptitiously break the booger into smaller portions and proceed. Similar to chewing gum breaks when I chew like a cow and grind the remains into the dirt.
4.    I only shave when absolutely necessary, which means forget the winter months entirely. I say why waste time and energy when you're wearing slacks and opaque stockings anyway. I can use that extra time for cleaning the cats' litter or gathering the dirty laundry that's accumulated for a week or so…..
5.    #Farting. Yes, we all do it, but mostly I pretend it's the other guy or domestic animal. I've done it at yoga, on planes (phew!), at fancy restaurants and movie theaters, and on the beach. Much of the time it's silent, but sometimes it's like a French horn. Blame often is attributed to one of my six dogs. What? You've never done it?!
6.    I use deodorant most of the time, but sometimes I like to smell my own sweat. This must be one of those pheronome things I hear people and insects indulge in. I'll rub my hands under my armpits and inhale, deeply. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it.
      It's narcissistic behavior and one of the few I have. Don't begrudge me!
7.    I haven't ironed for at least 40 years. Hard to do since that Hot Babe is in a landfill screwing around with my expresso maker, juicer, and cuisinart.
8.    I never floss and sometimes don't even use a water pik, and I have $80,000 worth of bridges, crowns, and implants to prove it.  When I walk into my dentist’s office, it's like a staff Christmas party all over again. Everyone smiles, especially the bookkeeper.
At least I'm not like #JessicaSimpson, who, according to #HuffPost, wipes her teeth on her shirt rather than apply a brush. Ugh!
9.    I kiss my dogs and cats on their lips and encourage extensive face licking.
10. I use Q-tips, keys, and fingers to pick out the wax in my ears and I don't care who's looking. I used to bite off my toenails, but sadly old age and crotchety limbs have put a damper on that. I still, however, burp among friends and family, but try to keep them in the lower decibels.

 So long, folks. Until next time when I share My 10 #StupidestMistakes.






Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Never Had a Nickname

They say it's the little things in life that destroy marriages: he doesn't lower the toilet seat; she never listens to his work anecdotes; he eats with his fingers; she never can find her car keys. The same adage applies to self image or self concept. It's the little things that can build or destroy egos. Although my parents had baby names for me that they used at times--for example, "cookie" and "pussycat," these never morphed into appropriate adult nick names. For instance, no one in my house ever called me Jan. That would have been the most common and appropriate nickname for "Janice," but no one ever came up with it. Was it a severe lack of creativity? I don't think so. In hindsight it said more about parenting style than it did about their opinion of me. My parents ran a rather strict household. We laughed but it was either behind the parents' backs or at a time when my father decreed a joke or anecdote was funny. My point is tha...
1 comment
Read more

Bitching is My Life

Yeah, This is another one of my bitch/gripe essays. How can I keep up the challenging pace? It’s not easy but I work at it. I try to find something negative in everything I see and do. And it works for me. Just yesterday in AZ everyone woke up to a blue sky and warm temps, but I quickly dispensed with that happy development. All I had to do was walk out on our fake grass and I was hit with one big negative after the other. Our fake grass seems to have been infected with real grass and the two don’t complement each other. So I bitched about that over breakfast and pretty soon I had my husband outside pulling out the real stuff. Boy was he miserable! But I scored again! Then in the afternoon I went to the supermarket, and sure enough, I found something else to gripe about. It’s an upscale store. I mean it’s got a Starbucks, a salad bar, about a million bottles of French and domestic wine…..and a homeless guy hanging around at one of the exits. That’s disgusting. Maybe most people do...
1 comment
Read more

Should Old Acquaintances Be Forgot?

In the Scottish dialect of the old New Year's Eve song Auld Lang Syne, the composer posits the question: Should old acquaintances be forgot? The short answer to this is "Sometimes." One example will suffice. A "friend" of mine emailed me the other day and although she is not a writer, her words spoke plenty. Her first rebuke was that I don't answer her calls, and this is a claim I cannot deny. But the accusation was caustic, mean-spirited--it was as if I had neglected to visit her in the hospital, that's how grievous my omission was. She insinuated so much by those few harsh words. Why did she call? Purportedly to inform me of her physical status and that of her dog Murph. Being the obedient child I still am, I did call her afterwards, and we spoke. Mostly S spoke of her new illness--osteoarthritis of the spine--and her dog's possible diagnosis of valley fever. I listened and listened and listened until I just couldn't take it any more. The...
2 comments
Read more