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If I Were a Lesbian

Sometimes it seems like everyone's a lesbian but me. Once I heard that only 5 percent of the population are homosexual, but I have my doubts. A lot of people still are in the closet so they don't become a part of the statistics. That's why I think there's way more lesbians around than anyone knows. And I kinda envy them. Just a little. That's because most of the celebrities I day dream about are women. My favorite all-time celeb is Sally Field. I know, I know, The Flying Num girl. But the woman can act. And not only that, she gave up Burt Reynolds for the sake of her sanity. I could picture Sally and me going out for the evening and suddenly she becomes one of her other personalities like she did in the movie/book Sibyl. I'd make scintillating conversation with one or two of her personalities and then we'd talk about the California fire and if it impacted her house. We'd sit real close together on the bench she shared with Tom Hanks in the movie Forrest Gump. I'd quote a few lines from the movie, and she'd laugh and toss off a joke or two. Then she'd catch a Santa Ana breeze with her nun's headdress and she'd fly off to Century City for an important conference with Steven Spielberg. Another celeb I wouldn't mind nuzzling with is Helen Reddy. You may recall she recorded a bunch of songs, among them "I am Woman." Loved her voice but don't know much about her. I'm not into collecting music but I did have the eight-track (remember that dinosaur) of Reddy's best songs. I played that tape until I knew every word by heart. I believe she's the vocalist for the song "You and Me Against the World." I think you can judge a person (especially celebs) by the work they choose to present. I always picture her as a nice down-to-earth singer with an optimistic philosophy of life. Reddy won a heap of awards. But now that I think of it, I sometimes confuse Helen Reddy with Anne Murray because they had the same quiet, sentimental style. And they both are from Canada (I could be wrong about that). Who else would I choose for my significant celeb partner? Well Gloria Steinem of course. That's one hell of a good-looking, smart and thoroughly committed woman. I'd like to chat informally about women's rights, what she thinks happened to the ERA to make it a loser on the national stage and why we're still seeing so much sexual abuse among women.I'd get her take on Trump and 21st century politics. Then I'd switch topics and ask her what her favorite food is and where she likes to vacation. Last but not least I'd like to have a lengthy conversation with Michelle Obama. That woman has class written all over her. Not only could I get some pointers on how to succeed in a man's world, but I could learn how to dress fashionably without looking like a trollop.We'd roast marshmallows before a campfire and trade scary stories--hers from the White House, of course, and mine from the time I spent at the loony bin. Then I'd get all these great women together and we'd have an orgy of gargantuan proportions--intellectual of course. Sex would be allowed but only if we ran out of provocative conversational material and couldn't find anything good on Netflix. Afterwards I'd go to the supermarket and get 5 or 6 pints of Ben & Jerry's, some hot fudge and marshmallow and we'd slather ourselves all over with the goodies and you know, lap it all up. Sound like fun? Yup!

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