Skip to main content

Mad as Hell But I Gotta Take It

What do you do when you get up in the morning and you're irritable? You don't have a specific reason, but there it is: a massive amount of anger targeted at everything and everyone. You're even angry at the dogs, and you love them. And your feeling makes no sense since you can't attribute it to anything tangible such as a bad dream or another rejection of the writing kind.

That's how I am today, and I don't know what to do. I don't think I said more than two words to my husband before he left for work. He probably suspects that I'm in a foul mood, but he probably doesn't figure that I'm angry. When I get depressed I'm usually into self blame and that's energy turned inward. But today I'm turning the energy outward. I'd really like to kill someone--then maybe I'd feel better.

However the better part of aggression tells me homicide isn't going to be on my agenda for the day. Could be that the nasty feelings come from watching too much of Netflix's "I am a Killer." I wouldn't say I binge watched, but I think I saw 75 percent of the episodes. And I'm happy to say that I don't fit the killer profile: zero or bad parenting, drugs, alcoholism, school dropout. No nothing like that has molded me into a potential murderer, but today I feel that if anyone crossed me, watch out!!

The last time I felt this angry I fantasized about killing my sister for her role in my mother's death. There. I've said it. I've finally put the blame on her after pretending for years that I really didn't think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. I do think she played a role--how much, only God knows. Even my husband thinks it's true, and he's usually quick to defend the other person.

But the thing is I have nowhere to unleash my anger. My elder schnauzer is perfection plus, and the other pets are super. So I really  don't have a target (thank God!). Another possible therapy might be to talk to someone about it. I could call my BFF Rosa and lay all my pain on her, but I'm never sure she understands everything I say since English is her second language.

So I'm stuck. I can take a Klonopin in the pm; I usually skip it even though the shrink prescribes it. I've already done two crossword puzzles to get my mind on something other than self pity, One idea is to invade my husband's space--he has a boxing setup in his exercise room and I could whack that a few hundred times until the anger crawls out of my body and says, "Okay, you win, I'm going back to your unconscious and I'm staying there for a long time!"

I like that image of anger slithering on the ground like the poisonous snake it is. Some people--mainly the religious types and some psychologists--think that forgiving someone is the answer to stored up anger and resentment. In my case I can't forgive. I think I'm constitutionally unable to muster enough charity and benevolence to allow the anger to dissipate. Sometimes I think I want to hold onto it because it's the only clear indicator I have that exterior events are part of the cause of my dysfunctional behavior. Otherwise it's back to let's blame Janice. She should have her emotions always under control and always nice, nice, nice.

Well, now you know why I'm mad as hell but gotta take it. Have you ever felt this way? If I ask my shrink, I know he'll smile and give me some psychobabble. But followers--all 675 of you--you must have felt this way before. So comment on FB or email me privately at jarenofsky@cox.net. I could use your help

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Sandbox Parable

I don't like to get into politics in this blog, especially since I respect all points of views. But as of late the political characters playing roles in our nation's shutdown are about as dysfunctional as it gets. The main players seen to be Pelosi and Trump.

Imagine if they were kids playing in a sandbox. I know this takes a huge effort, since if you're me, you can't imagine Trump doing anything but goosing women and drinking lots of booze. As for Pelosi, I'd say she was a born nurturer---dull, dull, dull. But it may be worthwhile imagining them as kids to understand how people with tunnel vision can squabble over territory and often mature into big adults who quarrel and make bad decisions.



So Pelosi and Trump are in this smallish sandbox. They each have their pail and shovel --Trump's shovel is bigger and redder, but we won't hold it against him--and are having a wonderful time making sand castles and knocking them over. As little children are wont to do…

Sorry for the Absence of Humor

Ha-ha! I bet you thought, by the above title of this post, that I was apologizing for not being as funny as, say, David Sedaris or Woody Allen. But I'm not apologizing. No siree, not anymore. I was just re- stating the obvious: that I'm been absent from this blog for too long. I had a good reason. I was tying up loose ends on my new book, Infertility Treatments, which will be published in June by ABC-CLIO/Greenwood. No, it's not funny, especially the chapter on costs but it's particularly nasty for people struggling to birth babies ("I don't know anything about birthin babies, Miss Scarlett").

But let's get back to that business of apologizing. Could be that I'm really inept as a humor writer, but I don't think so. So why apologize then? After all I have some humor credits even though I never made it on McSweeneys (but then who does?) But there's always the slim possibility--and I really mean paper thin--that you, the reader, think I'…

Resolutions that Rock (at least for me!)

Every year I make at least two or three resolutions that I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to keep. Why? Because they're hard for me, doofus! That's why What is hard for me may be easy for you and vice versa, but we're talking about me right now, and I have great difficulty keeping resolutions that have to do with relationships, eating, showing gratitude, and a million other weeds taking up space on my crabgrass.

So I've decided that the only way to win at resolutions is to make ones that you can keep, easily (so help me god, cross my heart and hope to die). Here are a few of mine. Maybe they'll inspire you to create your own list of resolutions that rock (because you can keep them with little effort on your part)!

1. I resolve to get my money's worth of Netflix and any other streaming services I subscribe to this year. Vegging out at least one day a month should do the trick.

2. I resolve to use the electric toothbrush and water flosser everyday or un…