That's how I am today, and I don't know what to do. I don't think I said more than two words to my husband before he left for work. He probably suspects that I'm in a foul mood, but he probably doesn't figure that I'm angry. When I get depressed I'm usually into self blame and that's energy turned inward. But today I'm turning the energy outward. I'd really like to kill someone--then maybe I'd feel better.
However the better part of aggression tells me homicide isn't going to be on my agenda for the day. Could be that the nasty feelings come from watching too much of Netflix's "I am a Killer." I wouldn't say I binge watched, but I think I saw 75 percent of the episodes. And I'm happy to say that I don't fit the killer profile: zero or bad parenting, drugs, alcoholism, school dropout. No nothing like that has molded me into a potential murderer, but today I feel that if anyone crossed me, watch out!!
The last time I felt this angry I fantasized about killing my sister for her role in my mother's death. There. I've said it. I've finally put the blame on her after pretending for years that I really didn't think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. I do think she played a role--how much, only God knows. Even my husband thinks it's true, and he's usually quick to defend the other person.
But the thing is I have nowhere to unleash my anger. My elder schnauzer is perfection plus, and the other pets are super. So I really don't have a target (thank God!). Another possible therapy might be to talk to someone about it. I could call my BFF Rosa and lay all my pain on her, but I'm never sure she understands everything I say since English is her second language.
So I'm stuck. I can take a Klonopin in the pm; I usually skip it even though the shrink prescribes it. I've already done two crossword puzzles to get my mind on something other than self pity, One idea is to invade my husband's space--he has a boxing setup in his exercise room and I could whack that a few hundred times until the anger crawls out of my body and says, "Okay, you win, I'm going back to your unconscious and I'm staying there for a long time!"
I like that image of anger slithering on the ground like the poisonous snake it is. Some people--mainly the religious types and some psychologists--think that forgiving someone is the answer to stored up anger and resentment. In my case I can't forgive. I think I'm constitutionally unable to muster enough charity and benevolence to allow the anger to dissipate. Sometimes I think I want to hold onto it because it's the only clear indicator I have that exterior events are part of the cause of my dysfunctional behavior. Otherwise it's back to let's blame Janice. She should have her emotions always under control and always nice, nice, nice.
Well, now you know why I'm mad as hell but gotta take it. Have you ever felt this way? If I ask my shrink, I know he'll smile and give me some psychobabble. But followers--all 675 of you--you must have felt this way before. So comment on FB or email me privately at jarenofsky@cox.net. I could use your help
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