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Resolutions that Rock (at least for me!)

Every year I make at least two or three resolutions that I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to keep. Why? Because they're hard for me, doofus! That's why What is hard for me may be easy for you and vice versa, but we're talking about me right now, and I have great difficulty keeping resolutions that have to do with relationships, eating, showing gratitude, and a million other weeds taking up space on my crabgrass.

So I've decided that the only way to win at resolutions is to make ones that you can keep, easily (so help me god, cross my heart and hope to die). Here are a few of mine. Maybe they'll inspire you to create your own list of resolutions that rock (because you can keep them with little effort on your part)!

1. I resolve to get my money's worth of Netflix and any other streaming services I subscribe to this year. Vegging out at least one day a month should do the trick.

2. I resolve to use the electric toothbrush and water flosser everyday or until my teeth fall out, and, at the rate they're deteriorating, pretty soon I won't have occasion to use dental technology.

3. I resolve to create a unique diet that guarantees happy faces and easy meal preps; such diet will comprise a goodly amount of carbs of the sugary variety, baked potatoes with all the fixings, and killer burgers. Throw in some baked ziti with lots of cheese, and I'm a shoe-in to keep this resolution.

4. I resolve to take all my medications without fail and report to my shrink if the meds are giving me lousy side effects or aren't working as well as they should be. He will feel the immensity of my wrath if he doesn't remedy this situation pronto since I have my husband and six dogs on my side, and he has a chair.

5. I resolve not to speak to people who disrespect me, don't give a whit about me, are insincere and thus dishonest, hate animals, especially dogs and cats, expect me to invite them to have a meal at my house, or speak badly of other people I know (because then I'll know for sure they're badmouthing me too).

6. I resolve not to apologize for my dysfunctions, whether they be anxiety, depression or hysteria. For instance, if I should (God forbid!) have to euthanize one of my pets due to sickness, I will not apologize for being depressed, not wanting to do things and feeling irritable. Very, very irritable!

7. I resolve to read as many books as I want  irrespective of household chores such as washing, cleaning, and cooking. These books may be in any genre or media style and may be recreational and have nothing whatsoever to do with career inservice education.

8. I resolve to allow myself to age gracefully without artificial or surgical intervention--except I will consent  to such necessities as hair dye, facials and moisturizers. I also will look in the mirror only on rare occasions like when I get my hair cut or buy slacks I have trouble zipping up.

9. I resolve to not play depressive games such as "Is that celeb alive or dead?" or ask metaphysical questions such as how many chin hairs can you pluck in the time it takes to ponder whether those chin hairs have migrated from the nether regions (ie the pudenda).

10 And finally I resolve to make progress toward embracing world peace, nuclear disarmament, racial tolerance, and cleaning my office.

I know I've already wished everyone Happy New Year from the Dysfunctional Family, but Janice has to stick her two cents in also,so here goes the Big Ditto: Happy New YEAR FROM THE BLOGGER HERSELF, JANICE ANN MOSTER ARENOFSKY.  There, now you know all my secrets.


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