The Dysfunctional Family

Let's say you've married an OCS adult. Lately you've been quarreling a lot. You have attributed it to different priorities, values,  and temperaments. That may be true, but if you're really being honest with yourself, maybe you've married someone with OCS. Is there hope for this marriage, or should you just call it quits? Good question. Everyone eventually has to do a cost-benefit analysis of their important relationships and determine the outcome by weighing the good and the bad. But before you do that, let me tell you about a couple I knew and describe the trajectory of their marriage. In this instance the OCS adult was the husband. He earned a decent living in a profession he pretty much disliked. So a lot of his positive career energy was siphoned off into sticking his nose in everybody's business: his wife and kids, predominantly, but also some of his wife's extended family. This OCS adult actually grew up as an only child and derived some of his ba

Not all OCS adults are subtle about their manipulative, controlling ways. Some are so blatant that it's hard not to laugh at them. Once my husband and I met a chiropractor and his wife for dinner. My husband knew the guy but had never spoken to the wife. After a few hellos and how are yous, she got down to business. WOC (wife of chiropractor): Where do you live? Me: McCormick Ranch WOC: What kind of car do you drive? Me: Buick Le Sabre WOC: Kids? Me: Don't have any. It only took her four questions to see if I was a competitor. That was a new record, I thought. Most OCS adults beat around the bush for the first 15 minutes and then get to the nitty gritty. But she went straight to the heart of what was important to her: money and status. Not surprisingly we had an okay evening but her dog-eat-dog spirit was so obnoxious that we never saw them socially again. Another time I had to take on a pair of OCSs. Married, they echoed each other perfectly in speech and even bod

After receiving our grades, the three student teachers and their mentors went out to lunch at a nearby restaurant. It was supposed to be a fun time, but at least for me, the meal was hard to swallow. I nearly broke down in the classroom when Mrs. B gave me the bad news.about my grade. I don't think it would have mattered one scintilla, but Mrs. B ordered me to cut out the tears, and I did it in record time. You didn't  disobey an OCS like Mrs. B. After all, she was now the master of my fate. Back at college I had a full slate of classes and I walked through them in a haze of depression. I don't know what my parents or friends thought of my demeanor, but no one said anything encouraging. I probably seemed normal to them since depression was my norm. Still, although I pretty much told everyone about my lousy grade, I didn't put two and two together and arrive at a helpful conclusion. I was stubbornly persistent in that if I had made it through all those years of classes

She was an imposing figure of a grade school teacher who waltzed into the classroom with the utmost confidence. She wore brightly-colored, loose-fitting, off-the-rack dresses as though they were designer creations. One glance and she could quiet 26 jabbering juveniles. In fact one glance from her and I was putty; she was that authoritarian. To say I liked her would be incorrect. But I did respect her and envy her talent for transferring herself into the quintessential disciplinarian. A heavy woman, her extra pounds added to her strength and ability to intimidate. I wanted to be her--at least for the six weeks of student teaching. I thought that maybe just maybe if I hung around her and observed her techniques--emulating her every move--I would succeed. I had to succeed if I wanted to apply for teaching positions, earn a salary and move out of my parent's house. I didn't think beyond those short-term goals. Two other students also were serving internships at the same school

When your mother makes the mistake of revealing your sib's IQ but can't seem to remember yours, that's one clue that you not only have a lower IQ than your sib, but you also rate lower. That's what happened to me when I was a preteen. At the time I didn't recognize that my sib had OCS, but I definitely recognized that my mom had blooped in bringing up IQs and was now struggling to quash her mistake. Her fumbling didn't pass muster and I again had ammunition to believe I was a second-class citizen. Another time my sister was charged with setting up the Old Bell & Howell projector to show some footage of when the family lived in Belleville, Illinois. It wasn't an easy task so when she succeeded, my mother went ga-ga over her job. Naturally I heard this compliment and made the unfair comparison that I would never be able to thread the projector as well as my sib. Ironically I had to learn how to do this when I attended library school.. I may not have be

Remember the innocent tale of Hansel and Gretel? When you were a kid, you probably heard the sanitized version, which went something like this: Hansel and Gretel get lost in the woods, but fortunately Gretel left a path of stones to find their way home. But first the two sibs get hungry and decide to go to a witch's house conveniently made of candy. The ugly hag is nice at first, but then she gets nasty and threatens to throw the two kids in the oven. Before she is able to carry out her plan, Gretel pushes the witch into the oven. The children quickly leave the house, follow the path of stones and return home. And, of course, everyone lives happily after. But then you knew that. Actually the original Grimm fairy tale is a lot more shocking. It's more like Freddie Krueger Slashes His Way Up and Down Elm St. Krueger is the legendary monster most of us have seen on movies. An OCS child if left undisciplined can be a monster too. Watch what happens when we add more of Grimm's

Parents, babysitters, nannies and even child haters, gather round. Don't dissolve into a puddle if you should discover you have an OCS child. Look on it as an opportunity to diversify your parenting skills. First, assume that your OCS child wants to attain power since that's their main goal. Accept this goal as legitimate. Some degree of power is healthy and normal as long as the other children and parents in the family do not feel compromised. Take my family situation, for example. The OCS sib was four years older and made good use of this advantage--for example she used her musical talent as a power-seeking missile to plunk out pop tunes on the piano by ear and earn respect and popularity. On the other hand her sib--me in this case--could not compete with this musical prowess. The closest I came to it was singing, and since this calmed me and I could carry a tune, I would wake early in the morning and hurry over to my rocking chair where I'd sing and hum as only a three